Death Valley Queen
by Fogo
Summary: There was only one thing that he couldn't have. And that thing was what he wanted the most. Rating is for dark themes.


**Summary: There was only one thing he couldn't have. And that was what he wanted the most. Rating is because of dark themes.**

**Rating: M-dark**

**A/N: So I know I should be working on Pina Coladas but this idea wouldn't leave me alone. Listen to the song "Death Valley Queen" by Flogging Molly. It gives this story more meaning. I have never written anything this dark before. First attempt…Was it good? Or did it suck? Please review. **

**Also, let me just say that I DO NOT support the action that Collin takes at the end of this chapter. I hate that people do that. I'm not sure why I wrote it that way, but it just felt right with the song. Tell me what you thought, I'm dying to know.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gilmore girls or "Death Valley Queen." I own nothing**

**CPOV ( collin point of view)**

_Death Valley Queen where have you been?_

_Since they crowned you in glory_

_Filled your head with dreams_

_But it still goes to show in every desert_

_There's a rose, that's blooming for all to be seen_

I have never been a religious man, but I do know that they tell you not to covet things. I have a bad case of covet. There was only one thing that I couldn't have and that was her. I had a million and two options open to me and I had to become attached to the one that I couldn't have.

It wasn't really my fault, it was hers. The way that she walks, and talks, and laughs, it's the way she studies, the way she eats, and even the way she holds her pencil to write. I love everything about her and yet I can't do anything about it.

I remember how she used to be, I remember how the real Rory Gilmore was. She was real, before she started to date Logan, Logan my best friend. But she is still the same underneath, she is, she has to be. She still shines more than the rest, always has, always will.

_I remember you well from that town_

_You did dwell with the face of an angel _

_In a dump hot as hell_

_When I asked for a kiss _

_You kindly dismissed_

_So lead my poor heart to the slaughter_

_Tell me dear what did you fear?_

_I'd do you no wrong though no stranger to sin_

_So Death Valley Queen go marry your king_

_Or an old maid you'll end up for certain_

I remember Stars Hollow and how Rory's eyes twinkle when she gets back from being there. She was the brightest there, and probably the only one to do great things from that town. She had the face of an angel even though that town was a dump. I grimace as I remember in freshman year when I first saw her and asked her out. She politely declined without breaking a sweat. She doesn't even remember me. That moment when my eyes met hers, I started walking down the road of sorrow.

So what do I care?

I hope she is just happy with Logan she could marry him if she wanted,

Who am I kidding?

I thought bitterly, of course I would. If she does break up with Logan it's not like anyone else will want to date her, I thought sarcastically.

Yeah Right

She will be snatched up again faster than I can say "I love you."

_Off I did set on my trail of regret_

_Where I thought of you now in your castle and crown_

_So I found me whore with a face just like yours _

_After several gallons of porter_

_When I awoke, she had scarpered I was broke_

_Laying cold in the bed with a whale for a head_

_So Death Valley Queen go marry your king_

_Or an old maid you'll end up for certain_

So for a year I have been drowning my regret in women or in alcohol, currently in scotch. Every time I think of her in her "crown and castle" living with Logan being Mrs. I'm-so happy-Huntzberger-Queen-Trophy-girlfriend it sickens me and I need another drink.

By this time I usually find some willing young college girl who looks kind of like Rory. Then again, a lot of girls can look like Rory after a dozen beers. But the next morning it is the same. I wake up to an empty bed and I feel worse than I did the night before.

So that's it, I am done with her. I hope she is happy with Logan. I wish them the best. I want to be done with her.

No, I am not done, I will never be. I will forever love her, and I will hate her for it every second.

_Then the ball dropped why everything fell by the way _

_As your teardrops were falling I forgot to say_

_That I have always loved you_

_Yeah I have always loved you_

_Yeah I_

_Yeah I_

_I have always loved you_

Rory has just come into the pub. I watch her from my corner as she stumbles over to the counter and orders a drink. Though I can't see her face I know that she is crying. Her whole body is shaking with sobs. I walk over already having a sense of what happened. She just confirms what I thought. She found out about all the girls Logan had during Thanksgiving. She was crying and it was ripping my heart in two. It should be me that she is crying over.

Wait, what am I thinking?

I have gone completely insane. She shouldn't be crying at all. I have to get away; I just have to go, now. I walk to the bathroom. The silence sobers me and I think about what a pathetic existence I have. But I trace my problems right back to Her.

God! Why can't she love me? I have always loved her, ever since I first saw her. I have never done anything to deserve this.

I hate her, all of her; every fiber of my being is alive, seething with anger. She gets to live, and be free her whole life, with or without Logan. But me? I will always be shackled to her. An invisible joining that makes me unable to break free from her spell.

I stumbled into the stall and threw-up. I sit here, alone, cold on the floor of the pub. I tried, God, I tried. I tried to leave her behind. I tried to forget. But I can't…I just can't. I realize that hot angry tears are falling down my face as I think. I don't want to live like this.

"I have always loved you," I say to an empty stall, "I have always loved you," I screamed.

_When I returned downtrodden and burned_

_There were Billy goats grazing_

_Where once you'd be found_

_So I hung out to dry _

_On this limb for a lie_

_Take me back for I'm cursed on the mainland_

After that one night I stopped seeing Rory when I could. I threw myself into my studies and graduated. I am only coming back now for graduation my cousin's graduation.

I pass all the spots where I had seen Rory before. I still couldn't forget her. It still burned to see her study tree, library benches, and coffee carts. All the white hot pain from last year comes flooding back. I heard that Logan proposed last night. She probably didn't like that he did it at her grandparent's graduation party. She would like a more private proposal, like I would do. This place is cursed for me, but so is every where else. I can't escape from her.

_Tell me dear what did you fear?_

_I'd do you no wrong though no stranger to sin_

_So Death Valley Queen go marry your king_

_Or an old maid you'll end up for certain_

_I said Death Valley Queen go marry your king_

_And a-roving I'll end up for certain_

I saw her walk and get her diploma. I saw her mother cry and her grandparents take pictures. I could be there congratulating her, but I'm over here drowning my grief as I watch Logan pace back and forth waiting for her answer. She notices him and she heads toward him. I know what will happen now.

Go Rory, go marry your Prince Charming.

She goes up to him and they start to talk. I turn away because I just can't bear to watch anymore. I hope she is happy enough for the both of us; I can never be contented after what she has done. The most I can do is wonder through life with the wounds that she unintentionally inflicted upon me still open.

Lorelei Leigh Gilmore owns my heart now and forever because I don't think that I can bear to have it back.

But, without a heart how can I live? I won't live, but maybe I'll be peaceful in death. Maybe, she won't find me there. So, tonight I'll finally drink her away from me. Tonight, it will all be over.

I scribble a letter that night, I put it next to me and then I quietly end this sorry existence while I still can

_Rory,_

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was never enough for you. I'm sorry that you could never love me. I'm sorry, but I couldn't go on living. I couldn't live while you had my heart. If you are reading this, then I am no longer alive. My final attempt to escape you worked. Just know that I have always loved you._

_Collin_

And for the first time in a long time, I finally feel at peace.


End file.
